What The F...ashion? Decade of the Bitchez and Hoez

What happened to mainstream fashion from 2000-2009? Did the retailers go to some retailer conference and then take a lot of acid before smacking each other over the heads with baseball bats (steel not wooden, naturally)? I look through some of the WTF moments in fashion over the past 10 years, and I really just don't know what to say. This collection contains items that rest somewhere in between disco and the mullet on the fashion spectrum of suckitude.

1. First, I have the jelly awareness bracelet. A fine specimen of silicone (AKA: what women put in their breasts), this bracelet found it's entry into popular culture with the help of Lance Armstrong for his Livestrong foundation. They support excellent causes, these awareness bracelets, but really. When people begin calling them "sex bracelets," you know you have a keeper. Different colors have different meanings, so if I cover my entire arm with a rainbow of jelly bracelets, you can almost guarantee I've been infected with at least three different STDs.

It's wonderful to show support of good causes. But really, are these bracelets the way to do it?

2. Okay. The Trucker Hat. WHYYYY??? WHO WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A TRUCKER??????

(Don't mention Dsquared². Don't. I actually liked that collection, but I think the whole trucker hat thing was a bit tongue in cheek.)

Just look at it. Tell me you don't want to wear a hat that says something like, "I have issues."

3. She's-Just-Gone-Swimmin' Leggings, like the one's on Lisa Cant to the left, are a more recent development. I still don't know how I feel about them. I'd rather just wear leather pants and go all sexy cat lady ala Idina Menzel in Rent. Leggings are wonderful, just PLEASE wear something that doesn't show your camel toe on top.

As told by Wikipedia: "Opaque leggings are sometimes worn by women without a skirt. However, unless the woman is also wearing a very long top, her buttocks will be exposed. There may be a visible panty line."

Panty lines are NEVER sexy, even paired with sexy catsuits. Just... no.

4. Camo = Hell no. All I have to do is show you a photo of this fashion conscious deer hunter (an oxymoron, no?) to (hopefully) convince you of the absolute atrociousness of camoflague. Leave it to the boys overseas. 

Chris Brown and Kanye West both have been known to wear camo and military garb. So, the moral of the story is this: if you want to look like a douchebag, pile on the redneck gear and load your gun.

5. Crocs. Sexy....

...

... Enough said.

But seriously. I know people who own these. Still. And they're not gardeners.  And apparently my dear Mama Bama ain't a saint. According to Wiki, "in August 2009, they were even spotted on the feet of America's First Lady." I want to die.

Thanks, 2006.

6. Ed Hardy. Not that I ever particularly liked Ed Hardy, but I can safely say that when Jon Gosselin began walking around Philly in his Ed Hardy tees was when I swore never to touch a piece from the collection by Christian Audigier.

Just look at that sexy, sexy piece of man meat. But while Jon's... expressive features are quite eyecatching, it is the ensemble that really makes me want to gouge my eyes out with spoons.

7. Heavy Metal FASHIONISTAZZZ! A little studdage is fine, but... this is when it crosses into the category of not fine. At all.

Even if you're Judas Priest. It's not okay to look like a convicted serial killer.

This particular section from Wiki made me chuckle. "The studded leather look was extended in subsequent variations, to the wearing of combat boots, studded belts and bracelets, bullet belts, spiked gauntlets, etc. The codpiece, however, appears to have been less popular among the general public." Well, to each his own.

8. Harem pants. I really, really hate these. MC Hammer could work them, but that was back in the middle of Hammer Time, and well, that's long since passed.

BUT THEY'RE BACK!! WHY? WHYY? I already have enough nut space in my ponte pants, thank you. These are UNFLATTERING as hell, and they're also extremely popular. Why? I don't get this trend, but I'm hoping they'll go away ASAP.

Furthermore, take a look at this list of pants that are practically synonymous with harem pants: "Similar pants are also known as dimije, tshalvar, schalwar, patiala salwar, sirwal, shintijan, sirwal, sharovary, turkish pants, aladdin pants, balloon pants, drop crotch pants, pantaloons, zouave, pluderhose, pumphose" (Wikipedia).

9. Keep it real, my bitchez. Fuck that shit.

Why is it fashionable to be a gun-totin', boozin', ass-tappin' gangsta?

I really can't wrap my head around this orange shirt-thing.








Drumroll, please...


10. UGGS!

Wear them at home, and they're slippers. Wear them anywhere else, and... I won't even say what will happen, but it isn't good. Not one bit.

Everyone I know wears these little fluffy bastards. They wear them with their little Abercrombie pants and sweaters or pull a Britney or Miley and pair them with JEAN SHORTS and flannel shirts. They're about eight times uglier than Crocs and three times uglier than harem pants. On top of the ugliness, every time someone wears a pair, a puppy dies.

(Not really. But I'm just fired up. Not libel suits, kthnxxx.)


So that's my take on the Aughts. Forgive me for my bitchiness; I'm PMS-ing.

Images courtesy of Style.com, Wikipedia.org and BabyPhat.com.